Todays post is an exciting one! Words from Ol Hal himself! Like Alison Weirs post, I didn’t actually think I would get this one, but shockingly, we got an orginal piece!! If you aren’t following this wonderful twitter account, I highly suggest you click here and hit ‘follow’ I promise you it will make you chuckle every single day!
While you’re at it, why not grab yourself a copy of Unleash Your Inner Tudor, a book written by Henry himself!
How to Be Horrible (and Live Happily Ever After)
We’re splashing toward a new year and as per usual social media is drunk on inspirational messages to help you become happy. Loads of believe-in-yourself, pick-yourself-up-when-you’ve-fallen, and how-to-achieve your dreams quotes fill my Twitter feed. And it’s sad, really, because all those inspiring quotes have much to teach and yet nearly all of you miss the real message.
Take this old chestnut of inspo for example: “Let nothing stand between you and your dreams.”
Most read this and think it means if you work hard, if you’re resilient and resourceful, get back on your feet again when you’ve been knocked down, win people over, then eventually you’ll soar heavenward and nail those hard-to-reach goals.
Meanwhile, I see that quote and I think “Right, who do I have to bribe, spy upon, jail, or eliminate to get what I want?”
Spot the difference?
You’re not a horrible person. I am.
Also: I’m the one who truly understands the narcissism and amorality of inspirational quotes about stopping at nothing to get what you want.
Further also: guess who is in all the history books? Guess who has all the money? Guess who has a collection of really nice capes?
But enough theory. Let’s talk specifics. Let’s look at how, for example, I categorise my wives in relation to my dream fulfillment:
Catherine of Aragon – stood between me and my dreams
Anne Boleyn – stood between me and my dreams
Jane Seymour – helped my dreams come true (*sparkle kisses to her*)
Anne of Cleves – not hot enough/neutral to negative in the dreams department
Kathryn Howard – stood between me and my dreams
Catherine Parr – waited for me to die/neutral though perhaps negative in the dreams department
Let’s further look at a few key non-wife figures in my life:
The Pope – stood between me and my dreams
Thomas More – stood between me and my dreams
Bishop Fisher – stood between me and my dreams
Bessie Blount – helped my dreams come true (*loads of sparkle kisses*)
Cardinal Wolsey – stood between me and my dreams
Cake – Was there for me when times were tough
If you know anything about history, and about what happened to those who actively dream-blocked me, you’ll know I – above all others – am a true believer in letting literally nothing stand between me and my dreams.
Let’s apply this to your life. Never forget that there are 5 things standing between you and reaching for the stars:
- Your family
- Your children (their bloody “needs”)
- Reality and facts
The first three are fairly easy to overcome. Your own ridiculous inhibitions and sense of right and wrong are the first obstacles. Once you’ve sorted those, you can more easily trample over others and tune out the shouts and pleas of your family and children. Keep your eyes on the prize.
Always remember: Once you become comfortable with the shock and abhorrence of others, there is no stopping you.
(Quick side note: I have to say that all of this is soooo much simpler if you’re a sociopath. I know not everyone can lack empathy or have no moral centre, but I’m not joking – it really makes all of this far easier.)
As for breaking laws, it’s simply a matter of not getting caught and/or knowing who to bribe. Or being king.
Finally, we come to reality and facts. Wow. These can be an ongoing problem for the dream-achiever/horrible person, admittedly. Which is why you need to embrace delusion. Delusion will get you through some pretty tough times.
Remember back when the Pope wouldn’t grant my divorce to Catherine of Aragon? A non-horrible person might have caved and believed there was nothing further for it. Reality, facts, laws, tradition, norms, morality, my offspring, and even common decency all conspired against me. But did I simply lie down and give in? Did I stop reaching for the stars? Did I let my dreams die?
No, I did the first Brexit, told the Pope he could go wet his dress, started my own church, plundered monasteries, kicked off the English reformation, and had some rather spectacular rumpity pumpity with Anne Boleyn.
In this new year, I encourage you to become me. A horrible person and a day-dream believer!